That One Student (OR: Sexual Harassment is NOT Okay)
Every teacher has that one student-- and you know exactly the one I'm talking about-- who they just cannot seem to like. Maybe they have poor hygiene, and everyone in the class knows it but them. Maybe they just can't stop trying to say profanities (though in my experience teaching English some students will use a profanity without realizing it's a bad word... or they're trying to say a different word. Take 'sit' for example). But for whatever reason it may be, you just can't seem to get along with them. Unfortunately, sometimes these students can end up making us incredibly uncomfortable. And in my situation, they can lead to figuring out what to do when your student behaves inappropriately.
I'm just going to say it now: it is not okay that your ESL/EFL student is hitting on you repeatedly. Ever.
*ahem* But I digress.
And this is where we get into my one student, hereafter known as K-san (I teach English in Japan, hence the suffix). I have to admit that when we heard about sexual harassment from students during my training week I thought, 'oh this will never happen' and brushed it off as something they have to do as a precaution. And then K-san walked into my classroom, and I've been all different levels of uncomfortable since.
Most of the students at the school I work for are college students or professionals of varying age, though I do teach high school and up. We are a rather large school in our area, and as such we have a lot of new students who come into class and meet me for the first time. K-san was no different as he walked through my door for a lower level discussion class. The first few weeks I taught him were rather unimpressive, as there were a few other students for him to talk to. The main points of concern I had were that he was rather low for his level, he has this problem with answering every single question with "yes," and that he seemed to always want to talk to me instead of his fellow students.
A few weeks into his classes, he ended up being the only student in the class (the other students had cancelled or changed their class time). So here I am, trying to start class, and he goes, "You're looking rather fit." I thought, 'what does he mean by that' and didn't say anything. And without skipping a beat he says. "You look nice. Have you lost weight?"
Okay, so now we're into the uncharted territory of 'What to do when your low level English student hits on you.' I unconsciously replied, "Uhh... no?"
"Oh really?" (Another one of his favorite lines) I did my best to steer him toward the conversation in the class, and for the most part it worked. While I felt uncomfortable, I was left wondering whether he knew what he was doing, or if he was just a low level. I hoped it was just that he wasn't aware of what he was saying.
And then we had a counseling, in which I checked up on him about how he felt about his class, and how we felt they were doing. We give them study advice, and they go their merry way. Already slightly uncomfortable with having to have this counseling, I went in and tried to have the counseling with him.
"Have you lost weight?" he asked. "You look nice. How old are you?" And that's when I really got uncomfortable. After what felt like an eternity, I finally steered him back toward the counseling and got him out of my classroom as quickly as possible (though he also told me he thought he was a high English level). And that was the first time I told my coworkers what had happened, and how creepy it was.
The next time his class rolled around, I found myself feeling nervous that he'd be the only student in class. Fortunately, T-san came as well, and I found that he wouldn't ask these inappropriate questions in front of him. It also made me think that he knew what he was doing was wrong, since he didn't do it unless we were alone. But since I already felt acutely aware of how creepy he was, I started noticing that he refused to make eye contact with T-san. Instead, he'd stare right at me with this weird grin through the whole thing. Every casual comment in their conversations about Japan, or anything remotely Japanese, and he'd stop and ask me, "Do you know?" Let's not start with the fact that the sentence is not complete grammatically or the fact that it felt almost insulting to me that he thought I knew nothing about Japan. But the fact that he refused to look at T-san or to speak with him bothered me almost as much as him hitting on me.
I talked to my coworkers again. We discussed together that the next time he did it I needed to tell him it wasn't appropriate. And yet one of the other girls in my company told me that our trainers said we're not allowed to say it's inappropriate because we're their teachers. Honestly, I felt angry when she said that, because that's exactly why it was inappropriate. This wasn't a bar. This was my job. And his repeated actions really bothered me.
The next week I was on edge, and he was the only student in class. He pulled the inappropriate comments, and I shut him down. "These questions are not okay," I said.
"Why? Do you have a boyfriend?" I was flabbergasted. Did he really think that was the problem?
"No. I'm your teacher. You're my student. It's not okay." And I'm trying to make it easy enough English for him to understand. He looked confused, and he sulked through the rest of the class. It didn't fully dissuade him from trying again the next week. I reminded him it wasn't okay, more firmly. It's my job to be polite to the students, but I didn't want to be polite to him. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted nothing more than to storm from the room and demand someone else teach him. I didn't care if I had to ask my manager to teach him, because at that point in time the whole situation stressed me out so much and I knew there was communication between her and the other teachers so I knew she'd heard about it. And yet she didn't schedule an appointment with him, didn't bother to figure out what was behind it. I felt like I'd been betrayed in some way, and I felt myself getting angry that nobody took me seriously-- beyond telling me how creepy he was and how creepy what he was saying was.
It wasn't until one of the other managers had to talk to him that they truly became aware of just how creepy he was. He had asked me if she was a beautiful woman (I'm still not sure if he was joking or not). And then I talked to her later and the first thing she said was 気持ち悪い (kimochi warui), a very strong emotional term referring to something or someone who is disturbing or creepy. And then I started feeling like I might have a voice.
I still had the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety before those lessons, that nagging fear of 'what happens if he's the only student in my class' playing on me. I still got the sorry (mostly sorry that he was the only student) looks and the 頑張って (good luck) from my one coworker before I taught him. I feel that I grew more distant. I helped him improve his English, but I wasn't specifically friendly with him. He still asked questions, like how old I was, or what the average age of the students at our school was. He even asked about the ratio of female to male students, and rather personal, invasive questions about me.
Finally, after three months of having to teach him, our schedule is about to change. I asked to switch classes, and I finally realized just how wrong the whole situation was. I realized that I had experienced sexual harassment by a student, and just how paltry the protection for teachers can really be. I decided I wanted to break free of it, by asking to switch classes, and felt devastated and betrayed when told I might have to continue to teach him. So I pushed back, and the manager who'd spoken to him talked with the school manager about it. I thanked my manager, who said she was sorry the whole thing had happened. I didn't have to apologize or thank her for fixing it. "Sexual harassment ですね (desu ne)," she said.
I think nobody really noticed how bad it was, because it was contained behind my classroom door when the two of us were out of earshot. He's still at the school, but I am set to have a different class. I feel free, honestly. I don't have to speak with him out of obligation. And I don't have to feel sorry for leaving that class behind, because there is nothing in the world that makes what he said okay. There's nothing that can ever make it okay to make a woman uncomfortable in her own skin and her own body, to make a woman feel that perhaps she should try to dress less "attractively" so that maybe she won't have someone make a pass at her. It's not flattery. It's uncomfortable, and it's shallow, and it's wrong.
And we don't have to accept it.
I'm just going to say it now: it is not okay that your ESL/EFL student is hitting on you repeatedly. Ever.
*ahem* But I digress.
And this is where we get into my one student, hereafter known as K-san (I teach English in Japan, hence the suffix). I have to admit that when we heard about sexual harassment from students during my training week I thought, 'oh this will never happen' and brushed it off as something they have to do as a precaution. And then K-san walked into my classroom, and I've been all different levels of uncomfortable since.
Most of the students at the school I work for are college students or professionals of varying age, though I do teach high school and up. We are a rather large school in our area, and as such we have a lot of new students who come into class and meet me for the first time. K-san was no different as he walked through my door for a lower level discussion class. The first few weeks I taught him were rather unimpressive, as there were a few other students for him to talk to. The main points of concern I had were that he was rather low for his level, he has this problem with answering every single question with "yes," and that he seemed to always want to talk to me instead of his fellow students.
A few weeks into his classes, he ended up being the only student in the class (the other students had cancelled or changed their class time). So here I am, trying to start class, and he goes, "You're looking rather fit." I thought, 'what does he mean by that' and didn't say anything. And without skipping a beat he says. "You look nice. Have you lost weight?"
Okay, so now we're into the uncharted territory of 'What to do when your low level English student hits on you.' I unconsciously replied, "Uhh... no?"
"Oh really?" (Another one of his favorite lines) I did my best to steer him toward the conversation in the class, and for the most part it worked. While I felt uncomfortable, I was left wondering whether he knew what he was doing, or if he was just a low level. I hoped it was just that he wasn't aware of what he was saying.
And then we had a counseling, in which I checked up on him about how he felt about his class, and how we felt they were doing. We give them study advice, and they go their merry way. Already slightly uncomfortable with having to have this counseling, I went in and tried to have the counseling with him.
"Have you lost weight?" he asked. "You look nice. How old are you?" And that's when I really got uncomfortable. After what felt like an eternity, I finally steered him back toward the counseling and got him out of my classroom as quickly as possible (though he also told me he thought he was a high English level). And that was the first time I told my coworkers what had happened, and how creepy it was.
The next time his class rolled around, I found myself feeling nervous that he'd be the only student in class. Fortunately, T-san came as well, and I found that he wouldn't ask these inappropriate questions in front of him. It also made me think that he knew what he was doing was wrong, since he didn't do it unless we were alone. But since I already felt acutely aware of how creepy he was, I started noticing that he refused to make eye contact with T-san. Instead, he'd stare right at me with this weird grin through the whole thing. Every casual comment in their conversations about Japan, or anything remotely Japanese, and he'd stop and ask me, "Do you know?" Let's not start with the fact that the sentence is not complete grammatically or the fact that it felt almost insulting to me that he thought I knew nothing about Japan. But the fact that he refused to look at T-san or to speak with him bothered me almost as much as him hitting on me.
I talked to my coworkers again. We discussed together that the next time he did it I needed to tell him it wasn't appropriate. And yet one of the other girls in my company told me that our trainers said we're not allowed to say it's inappropriate because we're their teachers. Honestly, I felt angry when she said that, because that's exactly why it was inappropriate. This wasn't a bar. This was my job. And his repeated actions really bothered me.
The next week I was on edge, and he was the only student in class. He pulled the inappropriate comments, and I shut him down. "These questions are not okay," I said.
"Why? Do you have a boyfriend?" I was flabbergasted. Did he really think that was the problem?
"No. I'm your teacher. You're my student. It's not okay." And I'm trying to make it easy enough English for him to understand. He looked confused, and he sulked through the rest of the class. It didn't fully dissuade him from trying again the next week. I reminded him it wasn't okay, more firmly. It's my job to be polite to the students, but I didn't want to be polite to him. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted nothing more than to storm from the room and demand someone else teach him. I didn't care if I had to ask my manager to teach him, because at that point in time the whole situation stressed me out so much and I knew there was communication between her and the other teachers so I knew she'd heard about it. And yet she didn't schedule an appointment with him, didn't bother to figure out what was behind it. I felt like I'd been betrayed in some way, and I felt myself getting angry that nobody took me seriously-- beyond telling me how creepy he was and how creepy what he was saying was.
It wasn't until one of the other managers had to talk to him that they truly became aware of just how creepy he was. He had asked me if she was a beautiful woman (I'm still not sure if he was joking or not). And then I talked to her later and the first thing she said was 気持ち悪い (kimochi warui), a very strong emotional term referring to something or someone who is disturbing or creepy. And then I started feeling like I might have a voice.
I still had the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety before those lessons, that nagging fear of 'what happens if he's the only student in my class' playing on me. I still got the sorry (mostly sorry that he was the only student) looks and the 頑張って (good luck) from my one coworker before I taught him. I feel that I grew more distant. I helped him improve his English, but I wasn't specifically friendly with him. He still asked questions, like how old I was, or what the average age of the students at our school was. He even asked about the ratio of female to male students, and rather personal, invasive questions about me.
Finally, after three months of having to teach him, our schedule is about to change. I asked to switch classes, and I finally realized just how wrong the whole situation was. I realized that I had experienced sexual harassment by a student, and just how paltry the protection for teachers can really be. I decided I wanted to break free of it, by asking to switch classes, and felt devastated and betrayed when told I might have to continue to teach him. So I pushed back, and the manager who'd spoken to him talked with the school manager about it. I thanked my manager, who said she was sorry the whole thing had happened. I didn't have to apologize or thank her for fixing it. "Sexual harassment ですね (desu ne)," she said.
I think nobody really noticed how bad it was, because it was contained behind my classroom door when the two of us were out of earshot. He's still at the school, but I am set to have a different class. I feel free, honestly. I don't have to speak with him out of obligation. And I don't have to feel sorry for leaving that class behind, because there is nothing in the world that makes what he said okay. There's nothing that can ever make it okay to make a woman uncomfortable in her own skin and her own body, to make a woman feel that perhaps she should try to dress less "attractively" so that maybe she won't have someone make a pass at her. It's not flattery. It's uncomfortable, and it's shallow, and it's wrong.
And we don't have to accept it.
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